Sorrows of a Young Man

It's terrible. My energy completely replaced by apathy. I can't just sit there and relax my mind, but I also can't get anything done. I don't have any imagination, sense of beauty, sense of anything. Even this blog starts to disgust me. If you don't feel close to yourself, how can you feel close to anything else?

I'm telling you, I wish I could manage to just live for the day. Wake up in the morning, have some things in my mind, a little plan, nothing big... just something to do for the day, something I think I could handle. I see one of my friends, he's doing his little repetitive business, but now I come to admire him for that. He even asked me to join. Yeah, how much I wish to be someone else, not me, doing something else, not what I do.

I need a change of job, actually, I need a real job, and maybe a change of place. I wanted to write about this before. I always get stuck in thoughts. Should do something, something different, small, consistent, easy. Something someone else plans. And sometimes I feel like I could. I have to think of the horse finally trying to find a saddle, a horse which wants to be ruled, led to a different place. A better place maybe, but wherever it is, it wouldn't be my responsibility 'cause it wasn't my decision to get there. And I could forget my burden. Jesus, I just don't know where I want to be. What I want to do. Wherever I go I have this bad taste in my mouth, a taste of unknown future change... the urge to do something.

There's no use reaching out for her at night when I wake up from a nightmare, sweating. There's no use trying to find her lying in my bed in the morning, when I just dreamed sitting next to her outside a cafe, talking to her, hugging her, kissing her. I find myself between dreams and waking up, and I feel so happy when I sense she must be there... until I realize she's not. That's when I break out in tears. I just don't know my future.